Heal thyself

The thing about doctors is that they seldom follow their own advice. They are also very reluctant to prescribe themselves or their family members with any conventional medicine. Believe me, it’s true. In an age where all literate persons who have the Internet at their fingertips, can self-medicate for any ailment within minutes, this comes as a great surprise. 

My father had a favourite joke that he used to crack at regular intervals. It went something like this: a man went to eat out with his family. When the food arrived, it was not good, so he asked to see the restaurant manager in order to complain. The manager is not in, he was told. He has gone to the next restaurant to have his dinner!

My dad, God bless his soul, found this anecdote so funny that he doubled up in laughter each time he related it to us. It amused him to no end that a restaurateur discovered the food in his place of work so unappetising that he went next door for a bite. If you cannot eat what your chefs have cooked, how could you expect your diners to do so, he wondered. 

Similarly, the doctors that I know personally hesitate to take the same drugs that they assign to other patients. If and when they are unwell, they try to look for unconventional methods of treatment like, homeopathic, Ayurvedic, Tibetan, Chinese, naturopathic and so on and so forth. Their deep knowledge of the subject makes them aware of the potential harm that allopathic medication causes, even as it heals. The know that the side effects are enormous and in most cases, one problem is fixed only to give rise to a new one that is caused by the drugs used to remedy the first one. 

Nothing scares the doctors in my family, and there are at least one dozen of them, more than when one of us goes to them for treatment. In such situations they are caught in a quandary because even while their professional side writes down the medicines, their personal side tries to tell us to avoid taking them. For someone like me who gobbles down tablets as and when Google search tells me to, I find their behaviour very irritating. I mean what is the point of pharmaceutical companies manufacturing all those painkillers if no one is ready to consume them? If there are no takers, won’t the several pharmacies shut down one after another? And eventually, how would the business of keeping us healthy work? 

I am lost in these thoughts when the phone rings. The number that flashes is an unfamiliar one. I pick up the cell reluctantly and hear the person on the other end of the line coughing loudly. There are four or five short cough sounds, which is then followed by a giant sneeze. All this even before we can greet each other. I move the receiver a little away from my ear. 

“Can you give me the turmeric in hot milk recipe?” a nasal voice asks. 

“Good afternoon doctor cousin,” I reply. 

“Our grandmother’s cough remedy please,” he snaps. 

“Have an antihistamine with warm water,” I suggest. 

“Am I supposed to mix it with black pepper?” he cuts in. 

“Cayenne,” I say. 

“Is that red or black pepper,” he queries. 

“I don’t know,” I admit. 

“Can you check it on Google?” he coughs some more. 

“Cure coming right up,” I promise.